who was wrong..she or me?

It was neither day nor night..
When I was hit by..love at first sight..

The emotion was brand new..
Mind hanged..didn’t know what to do..

Happy to see her happy..
Sad to see her sad..
To see her from a distance..i was glad..

Days were converted into a semester..
Didn’t want to tell her..could be a disaster..
Though..i was happy..rather happier..

It was time..to go away..
Still didn’t manage any words to say..
And I called it day..

Technology..a bliss or a sin..
It was evening and the lights were dim..
I opened my heart out on a chat..
It was my only chance..i knew that..

I was your secret lover..
I framed myself with this cover..
she didn’t have the idea..and she had no words..
but..this time..i showed all my cards..

I didn’t expect anything..neither I asked for a yes..
All I knew was..i was relieved..not stressed..

She had someone..
To continue talking to me..could be a mess..
I again said..i don’t want your yes..

We winded up..with a warm goodbye..
I did..what I thought was right..

Again days passed..even months went away..
I confess..passed some weeks seeing her pictures..
Feeling was amazing..as I had no regrets..


And..she poked one day..
Technology again..bliss or sin..what to say?

I had no idea..where it will lead..
If I had..i could have flee..

Words became sentences..
Sentences became stories..
Stories became thoughts..
Minutes became hours..
Hours became night..
From sunset to sunrise..
never tired never bored..
not even a single word was forced..

it was a dream for me..what was this for her?
But still..i didn’t expect something..
Everything.. I left upto her..

This is wrong..we should not do this..
She said and resisted herself..
This was a sign..and I should have stopped myself..

I said..its totally fine..
Those were best days of mine..

These episodes of sudden talks and resistance continued..
And I was sure..i was addicted..or I was fooled..

The best part was..
We never met, so I was not sure..what she really wanted to do..
Either she wanted to do everything for her family..
Or to leave everything and be with me..

She left everything on the lord..
And the same thing..but this, I couldn’t afford..
I did my best to convince her..to make a decision..
But I failed..and it took almost a season..

Finally, I decided to meet her and talk face to face..
She resisted again..and believed in her prays..


But I made my mind..
Dropped her a message that I was coming..
Again..i left the decision on her..to meet or not to..

She agreed for a meeting..with a half heart..
As she believed nothing will get changed..
And said she didn’t love me..everything was just a damn attraction..
I smiled and asked to say same words..looking into my eyes..

I left on the day from my office in night..
It was fog and road had no light..
I knew it was risky..and the idea was not bright..
But I was not in the position to deny and not to go..
As I want to see what  emotion she would show..

After the longest day of my life..
I managed to meet her..at five..
This was my last chance..and she didn’t said even a single word..

I am tired now..and I cannot do anything else to make up your mind..
And put a full stop to my lines..
She still had no words..and even didn’t had courage to look into my eyes..
Nevermind..i stood and asked for leave..
We walked together to the station..with no words but millions thoughts..
I was clear now..that she could not take a stand..
It made me stronger..and determined..and I was sure it was the end..

It’s been like ages and I am in a normal routine..
My mind has no thoughts now..its purely clean..

I just want to ask..who was wrong..she or me?

I cannot say her a coward..trust and decisions of family..she was bounded by these..
Does this make her right? Me, wrong?

My intentions were true..bounded with the decision..that she could have made..
Does this make her wrong? Me, right?




--
Inspired from a true story..

still I do?

And she came back..

She came back in my sleep..

She came back in my thoughts..

But I ask myself, and I have no clue..

Forget her? miss her? forgive her? 

love her? 

still I do?

And she looked at me..

She played that eye game with me..

She again used her charming smile on me..

But I ask myself, and I have no clue..

Hide from her? Talk to her? See her? 

Like her? 

Still I do?

And she started walking towards me..

She pointed her finger on me..

She waved her hand and she called my name..

But I ask myself, and I have no clue..

Don’t reply to her? go near her? Wave back? 

Embrace her? 

Still I do?

And she ignored me..

She knows, I am not to be reminded..

Should I look away? Go near her? Speak to her? 

Adore her? 

Still I do?

And she went away..

She don’t know me, or acted like..

She turned back but kept walking away..with a sad face..

But I ask myself, and I have no clue..

Should I be worried? follow her? Run to her? 

Ask her?  

Still I do?

have I done something wrong?

They say I am different..

But my mother says I am special..

I am little bit confused..

Why they laugh at me and whisper into each other’s ears when they see me..

Whenever I complain to my mother how I feel, when they stare..

She hugs me and say “you are the most beautiful thing happened to me”..

I forget about them but in some corner of my heart, I feel, my mother is sad.. she is worried for me..

Why? Have I done something wrong? Am I not being good son?

 I never said and did anything wrong and always try to make people happy..

It is a beautiful one life that god has given us.. so I want to live it full..

I want to be a doctor when I will grow young..

I want to make my mother proud of me..

I want her to say “that is my son”..

Wait..

mother..why are they here?

Why are you letting them to take me away?

I don’t want to go with them?

Who are they exactly? I still do not have any idea..

Are they men? Or are they women?

They are saying.. I am one of them and I have to live with them now..

I am not getting this thing.. I just want to live with my mother..

It’s been a month since I saw my mother..

I am tired of crying and weeping now..

I know.. I will not see my mother again..

This is the life I am going to live now..

Now, I know why they were laughing at me..

Now, I know why they stared me..whispered in each other ears..

Yeah I am half male and half female..

But I am not the one who is responsible for this to be me..

I also wanted to grow normal.. I wanted to become a doctor..

I wanted to wipe people’s sorrow and wanted to convert those into happiness..

I wanted to convert people’s prayers to miracles..

With the first light of the day, I started dressing up..

There’s a wedding in my town..

I have to attend that, though I am not invited but I have to go..

This is the thing I have learnt in all these years.. and this is the thing I am going to do my whole life..

I am humming some songs, which I have to sing there..

One of my colleague is looking at me in the mirror, praising my beauty with her hand gestures..

She is just like me..

The house is big and everyone here is happy..

Ladies are dancing on dholak’s beats singing some folk songs.. dressed in sarees and suits..

Some gentlemen are managing the arrangements, mobile on their ears.. directing the managers what to be done and how the things are to be done..

Though, un-invited I am entering the house.. with my colleagues..

One has already started singing and other one is beating the dholak hanging from his neck..

There is fusion of sound of dholak with the loud sound of claps of my colleague..

I am joining the band now.. I am clapping.. I am singing..

Words are for the groom..

Words for his happiness.. for his blessings.. for everything which god should bless him..

I cannot fake it.. I really want him to be happy..

I really want that, god would convert his prayers to miracles..

I am home now.. the present home..

I am bit tired.. I want to take a nap..

One of my colleague.. came to me..

We have to go.. there was some seriousness in his voice..

I knew.. where we have to go..

I knew.. why we have to go..

I knew.. we have to bring that child into our family..

lost..

finally, I lost the battle with my fate..
neither it's early nor it's late..

I fell..I stood..I fell..I stood..
tried to walk with the efforts I could..

but I forgot, it was never easy for me..
either it's small or it's big, I have to pay the fee..

I was stupid, I was stubborn..
millions of lessons I had to learn..

This time, I fell, I fell so hard..
lost all the ways, where to start..

I looked into the sky, not smiling this time..
I know HE's laughing at me, as if I did the crime..

This time it's not ok, it's not alright..
I'm totally broken, I can't fight..

I've lost all trust in HIM..
whenever I needed light, it was always dim..

I swear, I won't ask, I won't pray anymore..
will see the ways, you'll punish me more..