lost..

finally, I lost the battle with my fate..
neither it's early nor it's late..

I fell..I stood..I fell..I stood..
tried to walk with the efforts I could..

but I forgot, it was never easy for me..
either it's small or it's big, I have to pay the fee..

I was stupid, I was stubborn..
millions of lessons I had to learn..

This time, I fell, I fell so hard..
lost all the ways, where to start..

I looked into the sky, not smiling this time..
I know HE's laughing at me, as if I did the crime..

This time it's not ok, it's not alright..
I'm totally broken, I can't fight..

I've lost all trust in HIM..
whenever I needed light, it was always dim..

I swear, I won't ask, I won't pray anymore..
will see the ways, you'll punish me more..

she still don't speak to me..

it's been a long time, i saw her in my sleep..
but i know she's somewhere in me..somewhere deep..

i'm feeling restless..i'm feeling incomplete..
my mind is somewhere..i'm going somewhere..no co-ordination with my feet..

and then, i see her again..sitting next to me..
my eyes into her eyes..in those..its me..i can see..

i want to forward my hand to hold her's..
but i'm afraid..i don't want to wake up..it'd be a curse..

"hey..i want to say something" i said..
but, she still don't speak to me..making me dead..

though, i can read her eyes..i know what she wants to say..
she'll say something..i'm waiting for that day..

still,i dont have any complaint..
this picture of her..i really want to paint..

i see her face then see into the sky..
thinking..will she be with me..will be my life..

i turned to her..and was about to say my line..
she stopped me..it's not the time..

but she still don't speak to me..
i'll wait for her words..that will set me free..

I couldn't feel and it couldn't heal..

I searched cities..I searched towns..

Every forest..every mountain..up and down..

But I couldn't feel and it couldn't heal..

I flew..I traveled..I strayed..

Never missed a chance..to ever get played..

But I couldn't feel and it couldn't heal..

I spent a lot, to buy it..everywhere..

I showed hatred..I showed care..

But I couldn't feel and it couldn't heal..

I smoked every cigarette..drank every wine..

Pushed myself to cross every line..

But I couldn't feel and it couldn't heal..

I opened my arms..I closed my eyes..

Told truths..told lies..

But I couldn't feel and it couldn't heal..

I looked for it..by myself..

Even I asked for it..from the god itself..

But I couldn't feel and it couldn't heal..


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Shit happens for good?

I was missing my writing from last several months. Sometimes, what you don’t expect, it happens and you really don’t know how to move out of that. Well, I am sitting in my balcony looking outside and exploring my head about all the things about which I really wanted to puke out my words over a paper. I am sitting here since morning but no idea knocked into my head. I am still in an enigma and trying to come out of the illusion, which I thought to be real. I really want to write about that but I cannot or to be precise “I should not”.

I think I know, about what I should write this time.

I am really confused about two very famous phrases these days. First, “What happens, happens for good” and other “Shit happens”. Two thoughts highly contrast in meaning. But one thing in common, both are used to cheat ourselves. Whenever something wrong screw us up, we sit, close our eyes and use either of the damn phrases. People I don’t comprehend, how happening of shit is good? I discussed with several beings. Everyone has own perception. Conclusion being, you can’t control your destiny. And there, there’s the origin of new cruel word “Destiny”. Wow!

Destiny, “is she bitch?” or “she’s darling?” Something uncontrolled happening in your life, tag it with the name of destiny. If there’s happiness, she is darling otherwise she’s bitch. I must say, we, human beings, have very interesting techniques to sink out our frustration. Well, I don’t believe in her. Moreover, I consider her an innocent girl, who has not committed anything wrong but always get punished with hard words, if someone screws someone.

But from where these things are taking birth in the grey part of our heads. Almost, everyone believes that if we’ll do something wrong, an invisible power will punish us, who resides in heaven but controls all the entries to hell. Yeah, The God! Another means, being used by human beings to cover their mistakes, to make an excuse if they have not got spine to do what they cannot. “Shayd Bhagwan ko yahi manzoor tha..!”, “I don’t know what to do now, let the god decide”, “I’ll pray that the god will lead us to right path”, “I don’t know whether it is right or wrong, let the god decide himself” I bet everyone has heard of these phrases and I am sure, we all have used some of these at some situations, when we  totally lost our minds.

Guys, breaking news, The God has already blessed you with a 350 gm gift right in your head. Please start using that. It’s not gonna used up. Don’t blame him every time for everything and shout for his help, even if you’re struck in some traffic. He’s not gonna make another road for your car. He has millions of other useful things to deal with.

I know, I have used harsh words this time and even the words I should use in writing. No apologies for that. Life is what you make it. No one controls it. There’s no destiny, if you don’t know which way to go. There’s no God, if you don’t believe in yourself.

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without a title

It was raining and I was standing on the road in front of my home, trying to see someone in the drizzle. She was coming to me. I was neither surprised nor anxious, neither happy nor sad. But, I just missed my heartbeat. She came to me. She was wearing black jeans, black top with pink colored cotton jacket over it. The most beautiful girl, I have ever seen. “What are you looking at? Let’s move” She said holding my hand. “What?” I asked and missed another heartbeat. I walked with her without any further question. She took me to one of the house on the same road. She handed over some keys to a lady and we left. In no time, we were again at the same place, where we met first. Road was full of water but the level of the water was such that we could see our feet in it. “Where are your shoes?” She asked with a bright smile. I looked here and there and found that my shoes were floating away. She laughed and I smiled. “Run. Get those” she said bending her head slightly towards left. Missed another heartbeat. I ran. “got ya” I said the moment i got my shoes.  Thereafter, I started walking towards her, looking at her. She was smiling looking more than gorgeous. Missed heartbeat again. I don’t know why, the way between us was unending. I was putting my best efforts to be near to her. At last, I reached there and then took her in my arms and wanted to take her to some special place. I was looking at her and she was looking into my eyes. Everything was complete. It was still raining. And there was lightning and thunder. I woke up. It was again a dream. But this time, we talked. I jumped out from my bed and went to the balcony and it was raining outside.



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for the longest time (cover)

if you said good-bye to me tonight..

there would still be music left to write..

what else could I do? I'm inspired by you!

If you don’t have words for me..

There would still be dreams left to see..

What else could I do? I’m impressed by you!

If you said good-luck to me tonight..

There would still be strings to play..

What else could I do? I’m touched by you!

If you don’t have thoughts for me..

There would still be smile left to glee..

What else could I do? I’m influenced by you!

If you said so-long to me tonight..

There would still be song to sing..

What else could I do? I’m driven by you!

If you have never felt anything for me..

There would still be melody left to listen..

What else could I do? I’m awed by you!

For the longest time..

if you said good-bye to me tonight..

there would still be hope left to live..

what else could I do? I'm inspired by you!

that hasn't happened for the longest time..

train to home..

Yes, I don’t like travelling in train, but if you have no choice, you have to do all those things, which you never want to. As, train is the only best mode of travelling between the two cities, between which I had to travel, so I took my laptop out to book a seat. After spending many hours on the railway website, I felt blessed when I got a 2nd seating ticket in a train.

People lying on floor, kids playing here and there, lots of cargo over floor and many hawkers shouting to sell their products, a common scene that can be viewed at any railway station. Luckily, train was at right time. I boarded and looked for my seat and as expected someone already was sitting there. “Uncle ji, this is my seat, can you please?” I requested. “hanji hanji, aapki hi seat hai..aao” he replied. I filled the seat with all of my stuff and managed myself to accommodate there too. Journey was for about four hours, so I connected earphones to my mobile phone and tried to have a nap listening to the playlist and to kill the travelling hours, which is the best way to spend journey in trains.

After about an hour, a family of four, boarded and took berth, right in front of my seat. The family included a father, a mother and two young boys of age around 10-11 years. After, sometime, they started having their lunch and asked me, if I want to join them. “thanks a lot sir, I am fine” I replied. The father smiled and joined his family to share the food.

Couple of hour’s journey was still left. Both the kids were tired and asked their mother, if they can sleep and then placed their heads in her lap. In a moment they were slept. When the mother knew that both the kids are now lost in dreams, what she did was, she left her seat and arranged both of the kids, so that they can sleep sound. She was standing just next to the berth having a sharp eye on her children, if they are alright. Their father, who was sitting next to me stood up and asked her wife to sit in his place. The father then took the place of the mother. I was observing each and everything.

After sometime, the mother called her husband and said “aap thak gaye honge, please sit here and take some rest”. “I am totally fine, keep sitting” he replied with a smile. But, she insisted more and the father took the seat. The mother again went to the same spot. “Please mam, sit here” I said to the mother. “Arre nahi nahi..I am totally fine” she replied. I stood up and insisted her to take my seat. “I am tired of sitting, I’ll take a round, please sit here” I insisted again. She smiled and took my seat. I went to the nearby door, still listening to the songs, but my eyes were still on the family. The mother was also tired, so she was slept as soon as she observed that her children are sleeping fine, placing her head over her husband’s shoulder. The whole family was perfect. At regular intervals, parents were checking for the safety of their children. They were sacrificing everything for both of them.

I was still standing at the same door, lost in thoughts. The children had no idea what their parents were doing for them. And, parents were doing everything for them without any expectations. All parents have done the same thing. But most of the children are unaware of the sacrifices, their parents have made. With time, children become teenagers and teenagers turn into matured men and women. They learn many things, from all the etiquette to whole of the rocket science. But what they keep on forgetting is what they are and they will be, is just because of the efforts and sacrifices made by their parents. They can’t even bear when their parents ask or say something. Laughter on their questions or statements, ignorance to their presence, shouting over their work and many more things are used by the children to hurt the feelings of their parents. However, children forget that these were the parents who answered their each and every question, whether logical or illogical. They forget how their parents carry them in their laps when they cried, laughed, slept. So, how do they ask the same parents to leave their own home and live in some old age home.

The train stopped and I looked outside, it was my station. I didn’t know when my eyes got moist. I went to my seat, grabbed all my stuff and was about to leave. “thank you so much beta, god bless you always” both the mother and father said. I had no words, “you’re welcome” I managed to reply.

I took an auto from outside of the station and reached my home. I entered and as usual my mother knew I am home now. I hugged her and said “thank you, I love you”. She hugged me back tightly as if she knew what I was thinking at that time. “I love you too” she replied with a smile.

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